September 17 2010

Day two of this blog and today was hell.  I stayed home from work because of my sinus infection/ear infection.  My ear was hurting.  The morning was okay but once my husband came home things went downhill fast.  I knew he was angry at me - why I don't understand.  He says he wasn't mad.  He only works part time because as he says I am the one with the debt so I should work to pay it off.  I don't mind paying my own debt off - I got myself into it so I agree I should get myself out.  Things have been strained between my husband and me.  I haven't been happy for a while now.  I feel he doesn't really want me around.  He'd rather be playing games on his x-box then spend time with me.  I am sick and he wants me to wait on him.  He's a spoiled baby.  I just feel trapped.  He owned the house before we got together so I don't really feel I have any rights.  Can't ask him to leave but I can't afford to leave.  He had family in the area and my family is 1000's of miles away.  Plus I really love him and we were happy once.  I feel like it's a stage we may be going through.  We will celebrate our 6th anniversary next month.  I didn't get married to get divorced.  I just don't know what to do to get us back on track.  He says he loves me and does want to be married to me but I just don't feel it.  I am sure I'll figure things out.

As far as energy this infection has me really down.  I am very low on energy and depressed.  I want to do things but can't seem to get myself motivated.  I know I am sick and I should just rest but if I am not being productive and accomplishing something I get down on myself.  This is a hard way to be with bi-polar depression and ADHD.  There are days I can't get any motivation.  I am a very creative person and love to quilt and create things.  Lately, that hasn't been working to get me out of this funk.  I just hope this turns around soon.  I tried last weekend to do a small quilt that I've been wanting to do and it was a disaster.  Quilting is very precised and the piece I was working on didn't come out correctly.  So what I thought was going to be an easy quick way to get my motivation back turned out to be a motivation downer.  I am still working on it and think I got it figured out where I went wrong.  If I am feeling better I plan to get that quilt done this weekend.  I think I may be setting myself up again.  Well see. 

Until tomorrow good night.

Introduction

I've been wanting to start this blog for awhile now.  I have been diagonsed with Bi-polar depression and ADHD and thought I would share what it is like to live with this diagnosis.  Well it is HELL sometime and not so bad others.  There are days I can't get out of bed and then days I can't sleep at all.  I see a therapist on a regular basis and a psychiatric for medicine management.  I also hold down a full time job as a computer programmer.  I am married but don't have any children(thank goodness for them). You might be wondering how I do it.  Well that is why I started this blog.  I am going to write down - hopefully everyday - what is going on in my life.  I hope maybe someone will read this but I am not worried about that.  This is mostly for myself to have a place to just talk about it.

Today - yesterday I went to the doctor and found out I have a nasty sinus and ear infections.  I came to work today (work is very strict on attendance) and have been trying to get something done.  I've been having trouble staying focus on the task I am working on.  I decided that it would be a good idea to take a couple hours off this afternoon and rest.  I asked my boss for 2 hours off and he said no problem.  I am lucky to have a good boss.   Despite what I live with I am also a good employee.  I get to work every day and work hard.  There are days I am very focused and get a lot done and those I just stare at the computer wondering what I am doing.  It is important to me that I get to work and do the best job I can.  That means the best job within my limitations.  I've been at this job for 3 years now so I can't be doing that bad.  It all seems to work out and I do meet my deadlines.  I feel guilty on those days I am not very focused but I make up for it on the high energy days.  Most days are just in between.  Today though is one of those days where I have no energy or focus.  

Well until next time - Have a good day.